Compassionate Kitbag

Sometimes, when life is difficult, and we may not have others immediately around to give us the support we need, we need an emotional boost, something to help to soothe us or give us a lift. That’s where the Compassionate Kitbag comes in. This is a homework I sometimes set for clients to support their wellbeing. Read on if you would like to create your own Compassionate Kitbag and reflect on what you might put in yours...

What’s a Compassionate Kitbag? A compassionate kit bag is, put simply, a selection of go-to items for whenever you feel in need of feeling restored. These can be stored in a little box or bag so you know where to find them when you need them. You can create something to keep at home, or even a mini set you can carry with you when you are out and about.

Create your own Compassionate Kitbag

Spend some time gathering and reflecting on a collection of objects which represent soothing and nurturing to you. These can be a mixture of calming or uplifting, depending on what you might need at different times. This is completely personal and unique to you. Focus on selecting things to encourage and experience feelings of soothing, calm, contentment and balance. Spend as much time as you need to ensure you find what works for you.

The items you select for your ‘Kitbag’ can be a work in progress and added to over time as you think of new objects. You can store these in a small bag or a box, or even create a mini go-to bag you can carry with you at all times. Try, if you can, to select a range which might appeal to all of the senses – sight, sound, touch, taste, smell.

For myself, I have some small items I keep by my desk - always a tiny shell, a small holiday souvenir from Thailand, a tiny tube of handcream and a small scented candle. Each of these items appeals to different senses.

If you would like to download these instructions in a printable document, click Compassionate Kitbag.

To get you started here’s a list of suggestions:

o   Smells (eg. essential oils, perfume, hand cream)

o   Soothing objects (eg. Pebble, shell, soft cloth, crystal)

o   Memento connected with safety and calm (eg. souvenir, soft toy)

o   Music/song lyrics (maybe a playlist)

o   Poems / reading (copies of favourite poems, quotations, favourite book)

o   Pictures / photos / postcards

o   Tastes (eg. herbal tea / coffee / hot chocolate sachet, small bar of chocolate)

o   Hobbies you enjoy (portable items or reminders of these); engaging puzzles

o   Imagery or drawings (eg. of compassionate self or other, place of relaxation)

o   Compassionate letter to self

For the purpose of your kitbag, it’s important that the items you choose are associated with nurturing yourself, creating a sense of calm, safeness and contentment. Steer clear of items which may remind you of sad or difficult times as we are aiming for a collection of items to soothe rather than stir up difficult emotions.

Chris Winson (blogger and well known on Twitter for his #365daysofcompassion initiative) writes beautifully about his compassionate kitbag on his blog here. There are some super suggestions which might inspire you further.

Putting together a Compassionate Kitbag is a simple, nurturing and helpful activity which will mean you have a box of meaningful and supportive cues you can turn to as often as you need. I wish you well in putting together your own self care selection. Be sure to dip into it regularly!

Credit for the original idea goes to Kate Lucre, a Compassioned Focused Therapist. I first learnt about this on one of her workshops.

Your tricky brain

One of the biggest hurdles of being human is how we handle our tricky brain. Whoever we are, we go through life’s experiences with a brain that leaves us vulnerable to difficult negative emotions, including anxiety, depression, anger and shame. One of the first steps to overcoming any emotional difficulty can be to learn to understand your mind and how it’s only trying to help. Let’s get real about the way our minds work, because the mind is a tricky beast. Left to its own devices, your human brain can get up to all sorts! It’s just the way human minds have evolved and that’s no fault of your own. Your mind means well, it just goes a little overboard at times, trying to keep you safe.

Evolution of the human brain

The human brain is a product of evolution. The brain is a marvelous thing – if you think of the positive potential and capabilities of human beings – over the centuries, societies have made advances in science, knowledge, art and technology in ways that are truly astonishing. While it’s open to debate that all of these advances are a good thing (that’s another story in itself), there’s no question that the human brain’s capacities to think, reason, plan, invent and create are immense.

The problem with our tricky brain stems from the simple facts that our brain still retains many old brain functions from our evolutionary past – our ‘old’ mammal brains. Our brains are ruled by complex motivations for survival, food, reproduction, status and caring, all of which were essential for the survival of our species. There are also primary emotions of anger, anxiety, sadness and joy, all of which motivated us to take action, whether that was to fight, take flight, shut down, find food, compete for resources or find a partner, or engage in caring for young.

Bigger brain, bigger problems

Over thousands of years our brains evolved and, in simple terms, grew bigger. However, the trade-off that came alongside all the benefits of being a human were the disadvantages that can come of being able to think about your own experiences. We can monitor and judge ourselves, we can criticise, we can worry about and imagine what can go wrong, we can be frightened of our own feelings, we can feel inferior to others, we can ruminate about the past... Being able to comment on the content of our own minds can be sometimes be a design flaw in an otherwise amazing brain. The good news is that knowing that our own mind is a product of evolution we can begin to leave behind any ideas that we are to blame for any unhealthy negative feelings. Through no fault of your own, your brain will sometimes respond in a way that is out of proportion to a threat, because that’s the way our brains are made. Our modern brains have the unfortunate capacity to rev up and sustain any sense of threat for far longer than a mammal in the wild.

Fight or flight reactions

One way of thinking about this is to picture a zebra in the wild. The zebra is happily grazing with his pack, when along comes a lion. Lion gives chase and the zebra flees for survival. As luck would have it, on this occasion the zebra gets away. It then wanders back to the herd, and continues to graze. Its threat system served it well. The threat system kicked in, and the zebra’s body took over, ensuring its best chances of survival in a real life or death chase. Now, if that zebra had been gifted with a more human brain, he would still have that instinctive fight or flight reflex, but problems could begin after the event.

Rumination and worry

On returning to the herd, the zebra may begin to reflect as follows: “That was scary – I could have died. I can picture how awful that might be. What if next time I die? What if I had tripped and fallen, that could have been the end of me. How am I going to prevent that from happening again? Why did the lion pick me? Did I look weaker than the others? Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anyone help me out there? They all just carried on grazing as if nothing happened. Maybe they don’t like me. What would have happened to my children?” Not only would the zebra be giving itself a wealth of new threats to dwell upon, but he’d be feeling worse for longer by ruminating about the past and worrying about the future.

This is what happens to humans. In face of a threat, real or imagined, we can bring the threat into our heads and keep it going in creative and unhelpful ways. As humans we can add to our original problems with shame and self criticism, unhelpful comparisons and negative judgments, all of which can sustain the feeling of threat and create a more persistent cycle of negative emotions.

The important thing to remember is that when this happens this is not your fault, it all comes down to your brain’s evolutionary design. The good news is we can take responsibility for our tricky brains and learn to manage it. Once we can see under the bonnet it becomes easier to understand and work with its foibles. There is a freedom and a power in knowing this.

Ali Binns is a CBT therapist in Bath. If you need further help and would like to talk things through with an accredited CBT therapist, please feel free to contact me  at info@alibinns.co.uk or via my Contact page.